Lunar Litigation: A Celestial Squabble

Judge Libra: Court is now in session. Counsel, call your first witness.

Saturn: Your honor, I call my client New Moon to the stand to tell their story.

The New Moon stands, the lights in the courtroom automatically dim, and the room grows chilly. They slowly walk to the stand, wrapping their black shawl tightly around them, and sit down wearily.

Judge Libra: New Moon, can you take your shades off please.

New Moon: Your Honor, I would be happy to comply but They (points a bony finger at Full Moon) need to put something on, my eyes are damaged from years of overexposure.

Full Moon sits up straighter and smiles charmingly at the Judge. The room gets a little brighter and warmer.

Full Moon: Your Honor do you see? I have been dealing with this since we were born. They are just jealous of my Shine.

New Moon: Jealous? Ha! Like I would even want that much light? You’re just doing it on purpose so everyone will notice you !

Full Moon: What’s the point of being in the sky if you’re not going to get noticed? Besides, I can’t help it. I woke up like this.

Judge Libra: Order in the court. Full Moon, your time will come. Saturn, please begin. New Moon, I guess you can leave your shades on if it makes you more comfortable.

New Moon: Thank you, your Honor.

Saturn: New Moon, first question. How old are you?

New Moon: Last I checked, I was 4.53 billion years old. Give or take a little.

Saturn: 4.53 billion years! So it’s safe to say you have been at your job quite a while.

New Moon: Yes, and I take it very seriously. Once a month, I get to remind my faithful followers to slow down, to practice silence, and retreat. I watch over their meditations, I encourage reflection and subtlety. My glow is powerful in its gentleness.

Saturn: So if I am hearing you correctly, you provide a great Service to the Earth. Slowing down, meditating, resting - these are all valuable activities of healing.

New Moon: Yes, and I have been very much appreciated since I first appeared. I have even been told that people and animals sleep better when I am around.

Venus: Objection, Your Honor, Hearsay.

Saturn: Your Honor, we have evidence to back up our claims. I would like to submit articles one and two.

Judge Libra: I will review the articles. For now, let’s keep going. New Moon, what are the charges you would like to bring against Full Moon at this time.

New Moon: Where do I begin? Everything I set up, they destroy! Every month, all my hard work gets obliterated. My followers go from peaceful citizens to, well, LUNATICS!

Full Moon tries to remain quiet, and struggles to keep a straight face before breaking into a fit of giggles. The lights get even brighter, the courtroom gets hot, and out of nowhere, upbeat music starts playing. Everyone in the court jumps up and starts dancing. Jackets and shoes start flying off.

Judge Libra: ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT! (pounds gavel furiously)

No one listens. Music gets louder. A Soul Train line forms.

Judge Libra: Full Moon, do something. If this doesn’t stop in the next minute or so, I will hold you in contempt.

Full Moon: Aw, come on, Libra, let them have a little fun, for crying out loud!

New Moon: Your Honor, now you get it! They are so obnoxious.

Judge Libra: Full Moon, I am counting to ten.

Full Moon: FINE. New Moon, you are SUCH a buzzkill.

New Moon: And you’re such a delinquent!

Judge Libra: Stop bickering, you two. Full Moon, I am waiting.

Full Moon sighs dramatically, and turns to Venus.

Full Moon: Venus, pass it over.

Venus: You sure?

Full Moon: Yes, but just this once.

Venus hands a shopping bag to Full Moon, who reaches in, pulls out a giant blackout shade and wraps it around themself like a cloak. The room settles and grows quiet again.

Judge Libra: Okay. Let’s move on. New Moon, please stand down. Venus, call your witness.

Venus: Your Honor, I call my client Full Moon.

Full Moon: May I remove my shade now?

Judge Libra: I would rather you didn’t. Leave it on for now so I can hear your testimony.

Venus: Full Moon, please share your rebuttal.

Full Moon: Absolutely! Earthlings need my influence too! Everyone needs to have some time each month to be silly, to dance and sing and have fun. People work so hard these days, there is so much to worry about. What’s wrong with helping them find joy and laughter?

Judge Libra: You have a point. That’s good medicine too.

Full Moon: Exactly! My followers look forward to my brightness each month to help them find each other. They connect and create together.

Judge Libra: Full Moon, New Moon, you each make very valid points. Hm. Full Moon, how old are you? Maybe it’s a question of seniority?

Venus: Your Honor, my client is the same age as New Moon. Neither have seniority here.

New Moon: Yeah, except they act like a child.

Full Moon: And you’re like a helicopter parent. So controlling!

New Moon: And you’re out of control!

Judge Libra: Alright, I have had it with you two. Quiet, both of you. Venus, are you done?

Venus: Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Libra: Saturn, anything to say?

Saturn: We believe less is more.

Judge Libra: Fine. If no one is coming forward, court will adjourn for me to go back to my chambers and consider the evidence and testimony.

From the back of the courtroom, a voice is heard.

Mystery Witness: Your Honor, I would like to testify.

Judge Libra: This is unexpected. Okay, come forward and state your name for the court and take the stand.

Mystery Witness: I can’t really come forward or people will get hurt. My name is Spring Tide. I bring the greatest distance between high tide and low tide when I show up.

Judge Libra: And when is that? Please let us know what the relevance is to this trial.

Spring Tide: Well, your Honor, that’s the missing piece. I show up at both the New Moon AND the Full Moon! Both of those days are when the influence of sun and moon on the tides is the strongest. I am equally potent on both days!

Judge Libra: Wow. Fascinating. So you’re telling us that the effect of both the quiet one and the loud one are the same on the ocean?

Spring Tide: Exactly.

Judge Libra: And Spring Tide, how much of the planet do you cover?

Spring Tide: Well, not to brag, but seventy one percent of Earth is water, and the oceans make up 96.5 percent of that.

Judge Libra: So it’s safe to say you are a powerful manifestation of the identical influence of both New Moon and Full Moon.

Spring Tide: One could say that, yes. I have always tried to remain neutral in regards to the Moons. Both exert powerful forces. I don’t think either should be punished - perhaps both should be celebrated?

Judge Libra: Spring Tide, thank you for your courage in coming forward.

Spring Tide: Well, your Honor, I am equally skillful in retreating and considering my controversial testimony, I will be heading out now.

Judge Libra: With this new testimony, my decision is clear. No need to deliberate. New Moon, Full Moon, you need to learn to appreciate each other. You are equally powerful. You balance each other out, yet exert equal influence. No one needs to “win” here. I declare a mistrial. Go back to the skies and I order you to undertake at least ten sessions of couples counseling. Do you have anything to say for yourselves?

New Moon: I will confess, I would love to learn some of the Soul Train moves.

Full Moon: Yeah, and sometimes it is exhausting to have to be the life of the party all the time. I could use some meditation time, too.

Judge Libra: I am proud of you both. Case dismissed.